A gamesman is nothing more than an overgrown child in a grown up body. To a gamesman everything is a game. Therefore often he overlooked aversions.
Every game is a cause-set-in-motion. The main issue is we don't necessarily have control over the events surrounding our lives. We like to think that we are in control of our surrounding. The truth is we can only manage ourselves against the events happening around us.
Same goes with my one-way relationship with Els. I thought I was in control. Turned out control is just an illusion. That is because I ASSUME she has feelings over me. It was a WRONG assumption. She is in love with a ghost. Should I read the signal closely, I would have retreated much sooner. Well Christmas is a good closure.
I am already getting bored playing a one sided game. Is it worth the effort? Only if I learn from it.
What is the lesson then? Well, the main takeaway point is I am a mentally unstable person when comes to falling in love. I am better off staying away from any form of relationship.
It gets me thinking, does any of my thoughts the past 20 years carry any weight? Do I have any credibility at all?
Maybe my thoughts only apply to me. But then I had pretty credible articles in Dreams of Mirrors. Speaking off, I should delete those unconventional articles. Hang on...
Yes that's right, I am a social freak. I don't belong in the main stream. However, I tried too ha[]d to be accepted,
You know what Sarah, there is no afterlife whatsoever, I die, I just disburse into nothing. Al Araf 7:7 is just an elaborated invention of my mind. I am schizophrenic. This is my way of coping with isolation. Like Tom Hanks had Wilson in Castaway.
You Sarah is another imagination of mine.
It is interesting how the mind works. It is a pattern seeking mechanism.
So it boils down to my belief. Nothing to do with hard evidence anymore.
This is what I choose to believe:
I am the Creator of my consciousness. Because of that I say my consciousness lives on after I die. Upon death I will continue my existence with Al Araf 7:7 and my Tetrahedron. I shall rule Sparta 4964 for eternity,
In the meantime Sarah, you are my Unreal but Beautiful Princess.
All these are no longer the truth. These are useful beliefs.
Just like poems of Rumi are not true, so are my thoughts on the afterlife. They are just Poetic Justice.
In the end we believe what we want to believe. Not about truth anymore.
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You know Sarah, it's all a state of mind. When I am euphoric I believe i[s] a glorious future. When I am down and out the future is also bleak. Therefore I hold on to what I believe than what is true. We all do that. It takes a very objective person to see truth for what it is.
I am not that person. I am a believer. I need my empowering beliefs to move on. That's all that I have. Should I am loved by those whom I love then the scenario will be different. I will be busy living than speculating on matters that have no certainty.
The only thing that is certain now is Al Araf 7:7. Even you are not certain anymore, You are becoming more and more like Brenda. Because of that I can only rely on my conversations with a bunch of figurines.
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